As a sort of self-therapy session in regards to the anger I felt when writing my article on student loans that was posted earlier this week I thought I would take a humorous (allegedly) look at what the training program must look like over at Canada Student Loans headquarters. The saga has continued by the way and it’s pretty crazy at this point that student loan employees are being rude in response to her exasperation. Plainly they are not bank employees in a competitive environment. In that situation the person answering the phone would be much more likely to be responsive and be apologetic for the series of compounding mistakes that have been made. In the present case there is little incentive for the current individual not to simply be rude and ultra-aggressive since none of their compensation or job security is really dependent upon them doing their job competently (much like teachers admittedly). Anyway, see if you agree with my hypothetical model.
1) When student calls in the first option is ALWAYS to pass them along to another person that they will have to wait for thereby initiating the exhaustion protocol that is key in dissuading anyone from actually wanting to deal with student loans ever again.
2) If the person refuses to be transferred, calmly listen to what the student is saying, make some noise on your keyboard that would simulate work being done and then explain that the new information is in the system, the student loan money looks to be on the way, and expect it to take 5-10 business days (even though there is no reason for this).
3) If a student balks at this request use words like “common procedure,” “standard policy,” and “unusually high volume of requests,” as much as possible. If you can actually sound like a robot at this point you will be put to the front of the line for promotional purposes.
4) If asked for your name and number stutter a lot and forget a few things. Accountability is a dirty word.
5) If asked for a manager, please IMMEDIATELY refer to this 293 item list of acceptable replies for why your manager is not present. DO NOT under any circumstances ever transfer the call of an inquiring student to a manager.
6) If the student is adamant they talk to a manager explain that while this isn’t possible, you believe the manager for another department is available and that you will transfer them to that department immediately. Refer to step one for execution methods and organizational strategies.
7) Rinse and repeat until you get your substantial pay cheque and benefits compensation package the end of your pay period. Enjoy.